Alone
by LexusGrey
Summary: Alex/Olivia. Very very angsty. WARNINGS: self harm through the means of another person.


It was one accidental glimpse that let Olivia Benson into her world without permisson. She had taken off her scarf, thinking she was alone in her office, but the detective was there waiting for her, with a question about a warrant. She couldn't remember now what the question had been, or even what case it was regarding, but that wasn't what she'd been focusing on at the time. Olivia was not supposed to be there. It was too late to put the scarf back on; the damage was done. Olivia saw the bandages across the back of her neck.

"Ouch. What happened?" Olivia asked casually. She might have believed Alex's answer if the blonde hadn't frozen time and space before giving it.

"An accident," Alex said tersely, making quite clear that she did not wish to discuss it further.

Olivia filed the strange response away for later and asked the question she'd come down for. On her way out the door, she turned back to Alex and indicated the blonde's neck with one finger. "You should be more careful."

Alex looked up sharply. "Indeed," she acknowledged. "I will certainly think twice before removing my scarf in my assumedly empty office."

Olivia started to reply, but stopped, shaking her head. "That's not what I meant," she muttered as she left the ADA's office.

Once Olivia had closed the door behind her, Alex rubbed a hand over her face, letting out a shaky sigh, and then reached back to feather her fingertips gently across the healing wounds. Wounds that weren't only her own anymore. Olivia had just forced her to share a piece of them, and that pissed Alex off.

--

Alex rolled her head in slow circles, cracking her neck in a few places. She removed her suit jacket, folded it pristinely, and placed it on top of the bureau to her right, as she always did when she walked into this room. She stood straight, in the center of the floor, and began to unbutton her blouse. It was cathartic; a ritual. She thought of Olivia as she slipped her blouse from her shoulders, folding it and placing it on top of her suit jacket.

She had been avoiding the detective since that anticlimactic moment a week prior, when Olivia had intruded on her private life. She knew that Olivia knew she was avoiding her. She didn't care. She knew the detective was curious about the source of the wounds - she saw it in the way Olivia looked at her sometimes. Olivia had no right to be curious. Alex had not invited the detective to wonder anything about her.

Strong, slender arms reached behind her to undo the clasp of her bra, and once released, the garment slid down and off easily. It was folded and joined the growing pile of clothing on the bureau. She unzipped her suit skirt and let it fall to the floor, then stepped out of it and bent to retrieve it, following the meticulous folding procedure and adding it to the bureau. Her shoes and nylons had been removed before entering the room, so this left her standing in nothing but her panties.

Again her thoughts turned to Detective Benson, and while she divested herself of her underwear, she made a mental note to wear a high-necked sweater tomorrow instead of a scarf.

Now completely naked, Alexandra walked silently across the plush carpet and stepped up onto the base of the posts. She reached her hands above her, winding the hanging chains around her wrists and fisting the excess links to keep her steady. She never used the whole hour she paid for. What she needed would take a lifetime, but ten minutes a week was all her body could withstand.

She waited, without speaking, without moving. Even when she heard the door open and felt a familiar presence in the room, she did not speak or move. She stared straight at the wall, her only function for the moment to wait and breathe.

Absynthe moved slowly to stand behind the enigma that had been coming to her for ten minutes each week for the last few months. The woman was a jigsaw puzzle, and Absynthe couldn't put more than one or two pieces together. Every time she thought she'd figured out a connection, the pieces changed shape. She stared now at the scars on the woman's back; scars she herself had cut into that milky white skin with the kiss of her whip. Ten minutes, every week, she asked to be whipped until she bled, and for ten minutes, every week, Absynthe obliged, and was amazed at the woman's self-control. She never cried. She never asked the pro to stop. She had only screamed the first time the whip cut her, and had been practically silent ever since - every once in awhile a small whimper would escape, but nothing more. Absynthe had never met anyone like her.

Alex waited, her muscles flexed, focusing on the cadence of her breathing. She knew Absynthe was looking at her, looking at the scars, trying to figure her out. That was fine. She was good at waiting. Nobody was going to get inside her head. She didn't want understanding. She wanted pain. And after only a few more seconds, she got it.

Absynthe had gotten into a routine with this particular client - the blonde woman didn't want a warm-up. She didn't want to be eased into the sting. She didn't want sensual. So the pro made each strike of the whip slice that gorgeous porcelain apart.

--

Alex tried to cry. She tried when she was being whipped raw and bleeding, she tried on the cab ride home afterward, she tried again at bedtime, lying on her stomach with the searing heat throbbing through her back, but the tears wouldn't come. Maybe that was part of the problem. She needed a release that her mind refused to give her. Her body was ready, her heart was ready, but her mind blocked the way.

She'd always had difficulty getting to sleep, but the past week had been especially taxing, with thoughts of Olivia's intrusion stressing her out more than usual. Alex was not one to care what other people thought of her, but she found herself wondering what the detective was thinking. She didn't fool herself that Olivia believed an accident caused her wounds... so what did Olivia imagine had caused them?

The ADA didn't want pity. She desperately hoped that Olivia didn't attribute the bandages to domestic violence, which they all tried so hard to combat every day. She couldn't bear the idea of the detectives thinking she nailed perps to the wall and let a boyfriend get away with it behind the scenes. She was not a hypocrite, and she would not allow anyone to view her as such. However... short of confessing the true nature of the wounds to her co-worker, she had no way to assuage Olivia's possible notions of hypocrisy.

--

"Hey, Alex," Olivia called just as Alex was about to leave the precinct a few days later and head home... it had been a long, uncomfortable day with no victories in the courthouse, and all Alex wanted to do was sleep.

The blonde turned around, not prepared to have this conversation, but Olivia was smiling, looking rather friendly, so she primly asked, "yes, Detective?"

"We're going out for drinks, care to join us?"

The very carefully concealed hopefulness in Olivia's eyes almost made Alex want to accept the invitation. "Thank you, no," she declined politely. She had nothing to celebrate.

Olivia tried not to let her disappointment show. "Someone to get home to?" she asked casually, hoping Alex wouldn't see the question as the fishing expedition it was.

"Not that it's any of your concern," Alex said briskly, "but no. Good night, Detective." And she headed for the doors once more.

"Shit," Olivia cursed under her breath, jogging to catch up with the ADA. "Alex, wait."

Alex was most certainly not going to wait. Now Olivia sounded like she wanted to have the conversation Alex was avoiding. "I'm very tired," she said tersely by way of explanation as she ignored Olivia's request for her to wait. Unsurprisingly, Olivia caught up to her easily and fell into step beside her. "I don't want to have this conversation," she finally said frankly, for lack of an easier way to get the detective off her back.

"What conversation?"

"Don't patronize me, Olivia."

"All right, I won't." Olivia paused in her words, but kept up her long strides to stay paced beside the attorney. "Who hurt you?" She tried not to let the question sound like she thought herself Alex's avenging angel, but it came out fiercely protective anyway.

Alex knew Olivia hated to see anyone hurt, especially in a manner that could possibly be fit for an SVU case. However, she had not invited, nor did she appreciate, the concern. "I thought I just told you that I don't want to have this conversation."

"You did, but Alex--"

Alex cut her off. "I'll appreciate that you respect my privacy," she said pointedly, and she was relieved when the detective stopped walking, allowing her to retreat alone into the cold night air. She quickly hailed a cab and climbed in before Olivia could come chasing after her again.

--

The next day, Olivia invited her out for drinks again. Alex was surprised, and it might have showed briefly on her face before her cool mask slid back into place. "Thank you, no," she echoed yesterday's response.

"Come on, Counselor! You bagged two assholes today," Munch piped up from his desk, looking over at Alex. "What better way to celebrate than getting shit-faced with your wonderful and witty colleagues?"

Alex forced a smile and shook her head. "I have somewhere to be, but I appreciate the sentiment," she said to Munch, then turned on her heels and left before Olivia had the chance to corner her again.

Olivia shoved her hands in her pockets and looked at the guys. "I'll take a raincheck," she said, hoping she wasn't being overly obvious.

"Whatever you're thinking?" Elliot ventured, knowing his partner all too well. "Don't."

"What?" Olivia asked, yanking her hands out of her pockets and grabbing her coat, skulking past Elliot on her way out the doors.

Elliot watched her go, shaking his head. He would have nothing to do with that situation.

--

Alex was quite unaware of a pair of deep brown eyes watching her walk into the building, and unaware of those same eyes on her when she walked back out.

**Chapter Two**

Olivia walked into Alex's office without knocking and closed the door behind her. Alex looked up questioningly, one eyebrow lifted, at the intrusion. She said nothing, just watched Olivia walk toward her and produce an array of photographs from her jacket pocket. Her eyes widened in shock and anger as the photographs were laid in front of her one at a time, until she was staring at five familiar pictures... one more familiar than the rest.

Olivia spoke quietly, trying to contain her anger and frustration. "Which one of them hurts you?" she asked, her brown eyes ablaze as she stared hard at Alex.

Alex snapped her head up, her features twisted into a snarl the likes of which Olivia had never seen from her. "Get out." Olivia didn't move, and Alex stood from her desk, walking around it to stand toe-to-toe with the detective. "Get out!"

"Alex, I just want to--"

Alex interrupted her with a fierce slap across the face, Olivia's head jerking to the side from the sheer force of it. "GET OUT!" the ADA screamed.

The unexpected and unwelcome sting of tears welled in Olivia's eyes as she backed toward the door and slipped out of the room, inexplicably wounded by the slap.

Alex noticed, but at the moment she didn't care. Who the hell did Olivia think she was, violating her personal life and privacy like that? There was no way for her to know unless she'd followed Alex to the house! And that was inexcusable. The detective was lucky that she only got a slap. Had Alex been any less refined, she would have knocked Olivia's teeth down her fucking throat. She had no right. No right! The bandaged welts on Alex's back burned with indignation as if they'd been sliced open and left to bleed out.

--

The next morning, Alex entered her office to find a vase of flowers on her desk, a note attached. She plucked the envelope from the heavy oak wood and opened it, pulling out the small card, her eyebrows furrowing as she read:

I'm sorry.

And that was all it said, in Olivia's scrawled handwriting. Alex immediately tore up the note and threw it, along with the envelope, in the trash. The flowers remained untouched on her desk.

--

Olivia slipped inside, grateful for the shelter from the cold night air, and made her way to the only piece of furniture in a lushly carpeted lobby - a small black desk. Seated on a stool behind the desk was a girl that appeared to be the receptionist, but as she got closer, Olivia realized she was one of the working girls. "I need to know who sees Alexandra Cabot," she said when she reached the girl.

The girl stiffened almost imperceptibly. "We can't give out that information."

"I'm a cop," Liv tried, flashing her badge and then tucking it back into her jacket.

"I don't care," the girl bristled. "We can't give out that information."

"Please," Olivia begged, her brown eyes betraying the confusion and despair she was feeling. Her voice broke as she said her next words... "I love her. I want to help her. I just need to know why she comes here... please."

The girl faltered, obviously a little thrown off at Olivia's sudden change of attitude, and opened her mouth to say something when a dark-haired woman spoke up from one corner of the lobby. "I see her," she offered, exhaling a puff of cigarette smoke through her nose.

The girl behind the desk snapped her head around, jaw dropped. "Absynthe!" she hissed.

Olivia ignored her, stepping up to the dark-haired woman and speaking quietly. "Is there someplace we can talk?"

"It won't do any good, I don't know why she comes here," Absynthe answered, giving a slight shake of her head.

Olivia's eyes widened slightly. "You don't know?"

Absynthe snorted, crushing out her cigarette in an ashtray on the windowsill beside her. "Does a bartender know why all his customers drink?" She shrugged, shaking her head again. "No. Some tell, some don't."

"Well why would someone usually come to you for what Alex does?"

"There is no 'usually'. I don't have a checklist, it's not that simple. But if I had to take a guess, I'd say she's looking for absolution from guilt."

"Why would you say that?"

Absynthe regarded Olivia as if debating whether to trust her, but finally answered. "Because she doesn't cry."

"How does that make her looking to relieve guilt?"

"I said it's a guess," Absynthe reminded the detective. She shrugged and continued. "If she liked the pain, she'd be moaning all over the place. If she was exploring her sexuality, she would have started with something mild. If she was being forced to come here, she'd cry. If she had something to prove, she would have come only once."

"I thought you didn't have a checklist," Olivia said dryly, not liking the professional's guess. What could Alex possibly feel *that* guilty about?

"Don't be jealous just because I've seen her naked," Absynthe teased back, clearly having one up on Olivia if they were going to play that game.

That completely knocked the wind out of the detective's sails and she visibly deflated. "That was a really cheap shot."

"That's how I like my shots, Officer. Cheap and easy."

"Actually, it's Detective," Olivia corrected automatically, before she could tell herself that it really didn't matter in this situation.

"Whatever," Absynthe rolled her eyes and waved her hand dismissively.

"All right, well thank you for your time," Liv said sincerely, turning to leave.

"Hey, Detective? Good luck. I'm not in a position to ask questions, but you are." After a moment's pause, she added, "it might be good if she knew you loved her."

Olivia could not just walk up to Alex and say I love you, so she tried flowers again.

--

There were more flowers on her desk the next morning. She almost threw away the note without reading it, but curiosity got the better of her. This time, in Olivia's handwriting, three words stared back at her from the stark whiteness of the note card, in bold black ink.

I love you.

The ADA's eyes went wide, an uncontrollable fury rising inside her, overpowering the acute sense of fear those words inspired. Her hands shook as she strode out of her office, into the elevator, and then into the precinct. She barely noticed the guys looking at her, alarmed. She was focused only on Olivia. As she approached the detective's desk, Olivia turned to look at her just in time to be hit in the face with the flying note card.

"How DARE you?!" Alex screamed at her, unmindful of their captive audience. Even the shocked and hurt expression on Olivia's face did not deter her. "How DARE you say that to me?! You STAY OUT of my personal life, Detective Benson!" She couldn't remember the last time she had spoken so harshly to anyone. But this was fight or flight, and she had nowhere to run. "I did not invite you into it and I DON'T WANT YOU THERE! I don't want ANYONE there, do you hear me?!"

Olivia couldn't answer. First of all, she didn't think Alex would let her get a word in without slapping her again. And secondly, she was afraid she'd choke up and start crying if she had to say anything right then. Alex's rejection hurt more than she cared to acknowledge. Why was the ADA fighting so hard?

All four detectives stared after their ADA as she stormed out of the squad room. No one said anything for a long time. Even Munch refrained from making a sarcastic comment. Finally, Elliot moved over to his partner and asked quietly, "you okay?"

Olivia snorted derisively, but not at Elliot. "Not really," she admitted.

"Can I ask what you said to her?" El ventured carefully.

Liv tried to laugh away the tears in her eyes as she picked up the crumpled note card and handed it to him.

Elliot exhaled loudly through his nose as he read the card. He was quiet for several minutes, just sitting with his partner in comfortable silence, and finally he handed the card back to her and whispered, "she doesn't know what she's missing, Liv."

It was the one thing Elliot could have possibly said to make her tears spill over, and at the same time, the one thing he could have said to make her laugh. She stood up and punched him in the arm. "Jesus, El. Why can't you be an asshole?"

And they were back to normal.

--

Alex, however, was far from normal. She was pacing her office, talking to herself, starting to regret what she had just done. Sort of. Mostly. She wouldn't be starting to regret it if that damn hurt look hadn't appeared on Olivia's beautiful, strong face. She didn't like seeing Olivia look vulnerable like that, it threw off the balance of the universe. That look also made it harder to dismiss Olivia's declaration of love as a joke or an insincere sentiment at best. And impossible to dismiss it at worst. Suddenly she stopped, in the middle of her office, and shook her head. "No. It's not my problem," she said aloud, and that seemed to satisfy her psyche for the moment, because she was able to sit down and get to work.

For about five minutes, until her conscience started gnawing at her again. "Shit!" She slammed down her pen and picked up the phone, dialing information to get the number of the local florist.

--

Olivia came back from lunch to find flowers on her desk. Her heart skipped a beat as she draped her coat over the back of her chair and sat down, glancing around to make sure no one was watching her before she took the envelope from the vase and opened it, her pulse pounding in her ears.

I'm sorry.

It wasn't Alex's handwriting, it was obviously typed at the flower shop, but the thought was there, and she smiled as she leaned forward to smell the flowers. They were beautiful... elegant, sophisticated. To anyone who knew Alex even a little bit, it would be immediately apparent that she had chosen the arrangement.

Liv wasn't sure if she'd be welcomed or not, but she went to Alex's office anyway and slipped inside, closing the door quietly behind her. When Alex looked up, she caught her eye and smiled hesitantly, tapping the card against her palm in a nervous manner she wasn't aware of. "Thank you," she finally managed to say. "They're beautiful." She idly noticed that Alex hadn't thrown away either of the boquets she'd sent.

"You're welcome," Alex said quietly.

Olivia thought she heard a note of resignation in the attorney's voice... if not resigned to having Olivia in her life, then at least to having her in her office. Most likely not for long, though, in light of what she had to say next. "I have a confession to make."

"Do I want to hear this?"

"Probably not. But I have to say it anyway." If she ever hoped to forge any kind of bond with Alex, she didn't want her talk with Absynthe hanging over her head. "I went and talked to Absynthe."

Alex's blood ran cold. "You what?"

There was venom in that voice, and Olivia could feel the sting. "I just wanted to help you," she said weakly, sensing that her confession was only going to augment the wall between them.

"I didn't ask for your help, Olivia," Alex said, her voice still icy calm.

"It's been my experience that the people who don't ask for help are the ones who need it the most," Liv whispered.

Alex regarded her carefully, taking her time, trying to quell the rising tide of her anger. "I'm not one of your special victims."

"No, you're not," Olivia replied, finding it hard to breathe. "I wanted you to be something else."

Panic swelled in Alex's chest. "I can't," she said quickly, suddenly needing Olivia out of her office.

Olivia nodded, easily detecting Alex's surfacing panic, and turned to leave before she pushed too far.

Once the door closed behind Olivia, Alex forced herself off the panic track and focused on the brief she needed to write.

**Chapter Three**

Olivia and the guys kept inviting her out every time they went for drinks. The hopeful look in Olivia's eyes every time was starting to wear on her resolve. Finally, after a very long day, Munch caught her in a moment of weakness, and she agreed to go with the squad to Chauncey's.

Olivia heard Alex accept the invitation and she almost put her arm in the wrong sleeve of her coat. She didn't allow herself to get too happy, though. Alex could always change her mind and not show up. Damnit, she *did* put her arm in the wrong sleeve! Thank God no one was paying attention, and she yanked it off and fixed it.

For just a moment, watching Olivia struggle with her jacket when the detective thought no one was looking, Alex smiled. As soon as the warm feeling spread through her chest, though, it disappeared. Reality was too hard to escape. She shouldn't have accepted the invitation to Chauncey's. She should really back out of it and just go home. But Olivia turned and smiled at her, and her heart beat faster. Oh, that was something not good.

--

Alex told herself she would only have one or two drinks, just to take the edge off. Being around Olivia definitely had her on edge. Unfortunately, two beers relaxed her quite a bit, and when Fin ordered a round of whiskey shots for everyone, Alex didn't pass it up. From there, things went downhill fast. She didn't know how many drinks she'd had, only that she'd had a lot, and her vision was cloudy, her brain felt heavy and fuzzy, and suddenly she was dodging a flying fist. Woah. What was going on? She fought back, connecting with something, and she vaguely heard a yell before she was thrown backwards and stumbled into a wall, a sharp pain radiating through her back.

"Alex!" Olivia called, jumping up from the table when she saw someone take a swing at the ADA and send her up against a wall. She was at her side in a split second, as Alex doubled over and started to fall to the ground. Liv caught her, quickly slinging one of Alex's arms around her shoulders and intending to help her back to the table.

"Get off me, I'm fine!" Alex barked, alcohol slurring her words.

Olivia hadn't realized how much Alex had to drink. As the blonde twisted away from her, she caught sight of a few horizontal lines of crimson seeping through Alex's suit jacket. "Alex you're not fine, you're bleeding," she said, her brows furrowed in concern.

"Shit," Alex cursed under her breath. "Can you get me out'v here?" Even drunk, she had the presence of mind to be secretive about her injuries. Since Olivia already knew about them, there was no point beating around the bush.

Olivia expertly hid the fact that her breath caught at the request, and just nodded smoothly, leading the way back to their table and gathering their things. She put Alex in front of her, so the guys wouldn't see the blood on their way out.

Alex was no help, so Olivia hailed a cab on her own and took off her jacket, wrapping it around Alex's shoulders to shield her back from any contact with the dirty cab seats. Alex noticed the gesture, but wouldn't process it or realize why Olivia did it until much later. She was practically passed out in the cab.

Liv couldn't get Alex's address out of her, but there was no way she was taking the ADA to her apartment, so she fished the blonde's driver's license from her purse and gave the cabbie the address. She would take Alex home, fix her wounds, and then go home herself. She didn't think Alex would want her there in the cool, clear, sober light of day the next morning.

Getting a half-conscious woman up to the penthouse floor of a very well-guarded building was much more difficult than it sounded. Olivia had to flash her badge just to avoid the doorman calling the police, thinking she was manhandling everyone's favorite tenant. "She's drunk," Olivia had stated flatly. "I'm a detective. I work with her, and I'm taking her upstairs, putting her to bed, and then I'll be leaving."

"Pardon me, Detective," the doorman corrected himself with a nod, opening the doors.

Olivia didn't answer him, she just hauled Alex inside and to the elevators, waiting impatiently for one to arrive. When the bell finally dinged, she started to step forward, only to be met with five or six people trying to exit. She growled under her breath, waiting for them all to disperse, and then dragged Alex in, punching the penthouse button with her knuckles.

Alex slumped against Olivia, wanting nothing more than to crawl in bed and sleep for days. "Tired," she mumbled, her forehead resting on the detective's shoulder.

Olivia had to force herself to stay upright when she felt Alex lean against her. The innocent contact sent bolts of electricity through her, which settled in a very inconvenient location. She threw the feeling aside as the elevator doors opened, and when she helped Alex out into the hall, her jaw dropped as she realized the entire floor belonged to the ADA. There was only one door at the end of the short hallway.

Alex fumbled in her purse for her keys, finally giving up and sighing, holding the purse out to Olivia, resigned to needing the detective's assistance.

Liv took the purse without comment, finding the keys easily and figuring out which one went to the apartment door. She flipped on the foyer light when they were safely inside with the door locked, and Alex threw an arm over her eyes with a groan. Smirking to herself, Olivia mastered the controls and dimmed the light.

"Which way is the bedroom? I could easily get lost in here," the detective observed, glancing around in awe. The apartment was decorated with impeccable taste... expensive furniture, original paintings on the walls, the best quality of life a person could ask for - financially, that is. There was nothing personal in the place. Not one photograph, memento, nothing. It made Olivia sad. She watched Alex stumble toward the bedroom, presumably, and followed close behind, prepared to catch her if she fell.

The bedroom was the same - beautifully and tastefully furnished, but lacking any kind of personal flair. Ornate vanity and dresser, a deep cherry wood with what looked like pure gold painted in fleur-de-lis shapes across the front of all the drawers. The bed was a four poster, made of the same cherry wood, with the same hand-painted designs in gold across the head and foot boards. A dark purple canopy hung like a veil, surrounding the four edges of the bed, as if Alex were trying to shut herself away from the rest of the world. With a wistful smile, Olivia realized that was probably exactly what she was doing. The detective's chest tightened when it dawned on her that she was about to part the veil. She wondered how many people Alex allowed in her bedroom, drunk or not.

Finally she snapped out of her reverie when she noticed Alex struggling to get out of her suit jacket. She silently stepped over and removed it for her, then helped her get her blouse unbuttoned and removed that as well. She should have been prepared for the sight that met her eyes, but she wasn't. "Alex, we prosecute people for doing this," she breathed, her throat constricting painfully as she tried to swallow.

"Only if it's forced, Olivia," Alex said wearily, slipping out of her skirt and fighting to get her nylons off and just barely succeeding.

Olivia turned away while Alex put on a pair of flannel pajama pants, but protested when the ADA reached for a tank top. "Wait, your wounds need to be cleaned first," she announced, moving smoothly into protective mode, gently taking the top from Alex's hands.

"You don't think I'm g'na let you touch--" Alex started to slur, but Olivia interrupted her.

"Yes, I do."

Alex stiffened, her eyes blazing even in her state of intoxication. "Y'know Detective, they're mine," she said possessively.

Olivia found that statement to be both confusing and enlightening at the same time. "Yes, they are. I'm not going to steal them, Alex. Will you please just lay down?"

Alex made quite a show of letting Olivia know just how much she was put-out at the idea, but she tossed the canopy open and crawled onto her bed, flopping on her stomach with a groan of appreciation. Laying down felt exquisite at the moment.

"What do you use to clean them?"

"I'o'know," Alex mumbled directly into the pillow she had faceplanted on.

"You don't know? How do you clean them, then?" she asked in surprise.

"I on't," the ADA explained articulately.

"That's great," Olivia muttered to herself, stepping into the adjoining master bathroom and rooting through the cabinets. She found a bottle of hydrogen peroxide, which was the best option she could see, so she took that and a handful of cotton balls back into the bedroom. She put them on the bed and went back for some bandages, which Alex had none of. Not even regular band-aids. "Alex. You don't have any gauze and tape?" she inquired, moving the canopy out of the way a bit more so she could sit next to the ADA on the bed.

Alex looked away from her, folding her arms beneath her head. "No. Sorry t'disappoint."

Olivia shook her head and opened the peroxide, dousing one of the cotton balls with it and setting the bottle on Alex's nightstand. "There's just two that opened, so this'll be quick," she promised, and when Alex nodded, still looking away from her, she gently cleansed the two open wounds, surprised when Alex barely even flinched.

Alex seethed quietly, but not with pain - with humiliation. She hated having Olivia see her like this, but she was too tired and drunk to do anything about it. The gentle way Olivia touched her set off alarm bells all over the place, but she shut them out of her hazy mind and just enjoyed it while it lasted. When Olivia had finished, she murmured quietly, "the guest room is down the hall to the right."

Olivia's eyebrows shot up, and she was glad Alex wasn't facing her. "Don't worry about it, I wasn't planning on staying the night," she offered.

"Why not?" came the muffled reply.

"Because I don't want you to throw me out in the morning," Olivia said, rising from the bed and twisting the cap back onto the peroxide bottle.

Alex stiffened a little at the response. She wanted to say she wouldn't do that, but it was probably true, so she swallowed an answer and just laid silently on the bed.

Liv tossed out the bloody cotton ball, put away the ones she hadn't used, along with the bottle of peroxide, and returned to Alex's side once more, picking up her tank top from the nightstand. "Here's your top..."

"Just leave it on the bed, please."

Alex's voice was hollow, and Olivia hated it... she wished there was something she could do to help the hurting woman. She set the top on the bed behind Alex, then in a split second of bravery brought on by she didn't know what, Liv walked around the bed to stand in front of the blonde, pushed the canopy veil out of the way, and leaned over her, kissing her temple. "I can't help loving you," she whispered, staring into Alex's surprised eyes for only a moment before she stood and left the room.

Taking her purse, and Alex's keys, she stepped out of the apartment, locking the deadbolt behind her and then slipping the keys through the mail slot. When she heard them clink against the floor, she called the elevator and leaned against the wall to wait for it.

Alex laid there staring blankly at the wall for a long time, sleep refusing to come despite how tired she was. Hours, she laid there, slowly regaining her sobriety, and small flashes of the night started coming back to her. Olivia making sure the guys didn't see her bleeding. Olivia taking off her own jacket in the freezing cold just so Alex's back wouldn't touch the cab's seats. Olivia being so gentle, cleaning her cuts... then kissing her on the head and saying again that she loved her. And then leaving, never taking advantage, or even thinking of taking advantage.

All of those recent memories swirled around in her head, and before she knew it was happening, she cried.

**Chapter Four**

Alex avoided Olivia the best she could, opting to give warrants directly to the captain, or finding a time when Olivia was out canvassing to deliver them to the rest of the squad. The few times that week that she did encounter the detective, she rushed away as quickly as possible without looking back. Once, though, she caught the heartbroken expression on Olivia's face, and she found herself again ordering flowers.

--

Olivia eyed the flowers warily. Alex had been avoiding her since the night in her apartment, which frankly she had somewhat expected, but it still stung. It had been almost a week. She sat down and picked up the card, opening it, her heart pounding as she read.

Thank you.

I hope you understand why I'm avoiding you. Please don't take it personally. You gave me a wonderful night, and I'll never forget it.

Love, Alex

Liv stared at the card long after she'd finished reading it, and then read it three more times before swiping at her eyes and standing. She understood why Alex was avoiding her, but she also didn't understand at all. If it was a wonderful night, then why was the ADA opposed to having a million more?

"Where you going, Liv?" Fin asked, looking up when Olivia headed for the precinct doors.

"Cabot's office," Olivia said as she reached the doors and pushed through them, making her way to Alex's office and listening at the door to make sure she wasn't in a meeting before she stepped in and closed the door. That was becoming a familiar routine. "I'm sorry, Alex, but I don't understand," she said, wasting no time with pleasantries, unwilling to skate around the issue. The more she skated, the thinner the ice got, and she was tired of going to bed cold and alone.

"Don't you?" Alex asked quietly, laying down her pen and carefully taking off her glasses, folding them, and setting them on her desk before looking at Olivia.

Olivia moved further into the room, standing in front of Alex's desk. "No, I don't," she repeated. "If it was wonderful, why won't you give me a chance?"

"It's not that simple," Alex started to explain, but Olivia interrupted her, tired of playing this game.

"It is that simple, Alex. Why won't you let me in?"

Alex looked shocked. "I have let you in, don't you get it? I never wanted anyone to see me like that, but I let you. I don't know how it happened, but I have let you in, Olivia. You know more of me than anyone else in this world."

Now Olivia was shocked, but not at Alex's words - at herself for not realizing how much Alex *had* let her in, how much of the very private ADA she had seen. "I'm sorry Alex," she whispered, nodding in agreement. "You're right. I didn't realize." She took a deep breath and looked up, tears clouding her vision. "I guess it's just that... the more of you I get to know, the more I want to know..."

"Why? So you can figure out the puzzle? Then what? What happens when you know everything, and you see that the picture doesn't match the one on the box? When there's nothing left to learn, and you don't like what you know... you'll break me back down and leave me in pieces."

"Alex," Olivia breathed, tears streaming down her face. "Why would I ever want to do that? Do you have any idea how long I've been in love with you?" She stepped around the desk and stood beside Alex's chair, waiting in silence until Alex finally looked up at her. "What happened to you?" she whispered, carefully bringing her palms to rest on either side of Alex's face.

"You don't want to know," Alex whispered back, her voice trembling as she allowed herself to lean into the touch.

"I do want to know," Olivia insisted, "but I'll settle for not being thrown out of your office."

Alex laughed out a sob and put her arms around Olivia's waist, squeezing tightly. "I'm sorry Olivia... I never meant to pretend you were a yo-yo... it just happened."

Olivia reveled in the opportunity to run her fingers through Alex's hair, over and over, one hand on the back of the ADA's neck, lightly holding her close. She thought she might pass out when she heard Alex's soft purr and felt lips on her stomach through her blouse. "You're avoiding the subject," she somehow managed to point out.

"Yes," Alex admitted. "Am I doing a good job?"

And Alex nibbled on her navel piercing, having managed to tug it through the space between buttons of her blouse. "You're doing an excellent job," she gasped. "But I want you to stop if you're only doing it to avoid the subject. If you don't really want--" Alex gave a firm tug on the ring, and she hissed a breath before finishing her sentence, "me..."

"There's never been a question of attraction," Alex purred, surprised at her own boldness. "Is that satisfactory enough for you to allow me to continue?" She kept her teeth wrapped around the shiny metal ring as she flicked her eyes up to Olivia's. "I didn't know you were pierced."

"Alex," Liv rumbled, close to losing control. "If you're going to kiss me, please do it on my mouth so I can kiss you back..."

"Come down here, I don't think I can handle standing right now," Alex requested, pulling Olivia down to sit straddling her lap. She just stared for several long moments, finally letting herself imagine what this beautiful woman's lips would taste like.

Olivia had imagined it a hundred times over, but she imagined it again, this time knowing it was going to be a reality as she watched Alex move her face closer. After what seemed like a lifetime, Alex kissed her. Soft, and sweet, and amazing. So amazing. The soft and sweet went away pretty quickly, but the amazing stayed. Alex's tongue pressed into her mouth, and she sucked on it, groaning at the taste. There was no way to describe it other than... Alex. Her tongue tasted like *her*. And oh God, it was incredible.

Alex had never kissed anyone quite like Olivia before. She started off slow and tentative, but as soon as she felt those pouty lips part for her tongue, that was it. Olivia had awakened a hunger in her long-buried and even longer denied.

The next thing Olivia knew, she had been hoisted onto the edge of Alex's desk, one of Alex's thighs between her legs, and the blonde's hands were tugging her blouse out of her jeans and wandering beneath the hem, rubbing her stomach and the bottom of her ribcage. She shot her hands behind her to hold herself up. Wait. This was going too fast. "Alex," she breathed heavily, her eyes threatening to roll back in her head, "I really want to do this with you... you don't know how much... but as much as you don't want to be left in pieces... I don't either."

"Please don't tell me to stop," Alex begged, curling her fingers tightly against the waistband of Olivia's jeans. She wanted to pull them down so badly.

Olivia's hips bucked involuntarily, and she threw her head back, grinding on Alex's thigh. "Believe me," she panted. "It's the last thing I want you to do... but I need to know you're not going to regret it tomorrow. Or even right afterward..."

"Do you know how long it's been since I've even gone this far?" Alex groaned, rather desperate to get in Olivia's pants at this point. "I don't just do this, Olivia. I haven't touched anyone in years. It's not an idle decision. Jesus I want to pull your pants down..." She tugged at the still-buttoned jeans to illustrate her desperation.

"And I want you to, I want you to," Olivia assured her breathlessly, starting to forget why she was protesting this in the first place. Alex's fingers clutching her pants were driving her insane. She wanted to do this just as badly as Alex did. "It's... a bed. A bed would be better!" she gasped as Alex leaned forward, wrapping insistent lips around her throat and sucking at her pulse.

"Okay," Alex gushed in between sucking Olivia's throat and trying to stop herself from unbuttoning the detective's pants. "We'll stop." Even as she said the words, she slid one hand under Olivia's shirt, crawling up her ribcage to cup her breast through her bra and squeeze. "We're stopping." Her other hand abandoned the waistband of Olivia's jeans, dropping down between her legs and fingering the seams there.

It was a good thing Olivia needed her hands to hold her up or she would have been clawing at Alex's back, and that would have ruined the mood completely. "Yes, we're stopping, because I-- ohhhhh," she groaned, arching into Alex's hands, "because I don't want my heart brok--oh fuck, that feels so good... Alex you gotta stop, Alex, Alex, Alex, fuck, Alex, fuck me... oh God, go, go, just do it--"

Alex wanted to do it, but she felt like she was taking advantage of Olivia's arousal to change her mind. "Are you sure?" she asked, lightly pinching one captive nipple and delighting in the shiver that ran through the detective.

"No I'm not sure! I want to wait but it feels so good to have you close, I want your hands on me and in me, but not if I'm going to wake up alone..."

"You think I'm good enough to knock you out during sex?" Alex teased. She had to say something funny, she had to break the mood, or she would end up fucking Olivia right there on her desk, and she knew that's not how Olivia wanted their first time to be. And after the hell Olivia had gone through to get them here, she deserved to have things go her way.

"Yeah," Olivia answered, grateful that Alex had backed off. "You almost have me knocked out touching me over my clothes. Fuck." She took a moment just to breathe, and ran a hand through her hair. Finally she looked at Alex, who hadn't actually put any space between them. "Take me out on a date, Counselor."

Alex grinned. "Fair enough, Detective. Where would you like to go?"

"The old cliche works for me... dinner and a movie?"

"Only if we see something scary enough for you to end up in my lap."

"Movies don't scare me, Counselor. You do."

Alex's smile went from cocky and amused to soft and affectionate. "You scare me too, Detective." She reached up and ran a finger down the side of Olivia's face.

Olivia closed her eyes, her nostrils flaring slightly as she inhaled a deep breath through her nose. "I won't be sitting in your lap during the movie," she exhaled, "but my hand might make a visit."

Alex's eyes closed too, her breath leaving her in a quiet rush, and she dropped her chin to her chest as she allowed her finger to stray from its path, and into Olivia's mouth.

Liv whimpered softly, closing her lips around Alex's lightly thrusting finger, letting it slide in and out as she sucked. How could having someone's finger in your mouth be so incredibly erotic?

"I thought we were stopping," Alex murmured, lifting her head to look at Olivia.

Liv groaned and reached up to take Alex's hand away. "You put it there," she reminded the blonde.

"I can't help it. You're so sexy, Liv."

It was the first time Alex had ever called her 'Liv'. She didn't know what to say. Luckily Alex seemed to notice she had rendered the detective speechless.

"You should probably get back to work, or you'll never be able to walk out of this office," she whispered, her voice on the edge of a growl. "Stabler will have to come carry you."

Olivia slid to her feet, pressing herself flush against Alex. "Now who thinks she's good enough to knock me out during sex?"

"I didn't say anything about knocking you out," Alex purred, licking Olivia's cheek with the tip of her tongue. "I said you won't be able to walk."

As much as Liv wanted Alex to fuck her into a state of pain when she tried to walk, now was not the time, and with a regretful sigh she stepped away. "Pick me up at the precinct at six?"

With a soft smile, Alex replied, "I'll be there at five fifty-five."

**Chapter Five**

"You were gone a long time," Elliot observed, glancing at his watch.

"We had something to discuss," Olivia said, but it was impossible to hide the glow in her chest that was radiating outward, and she knew Elliot could see it.

"I'll bet you did," El said with a grin. "It went well, then? Nice flowers, by the way."

"It-- went pretty well, yeah, I think," Liv said, and she couldn't contain herself, she had to share the information with someone, and Elliot was more than just her partner, he was her best friend. "I mean... she said she wanted to pull my pants down, and she told me to go back to work or you'd end up having to come carry me out of her office. So I think it went pretty well."

Elliot stared at her with that look that people give you when they have to stop chewing their food halfway through. She could see his wheels turning, and she loved him so much when he finally spoke as if she'd just said she bought a new jacket. "Good for you."

"She's taking me out tonight. What if she changes her mind?"

Elliot didn't look up from his paperwork as he replied, "she won't."

"How do you know?"

"Because if you weren't gay and I wasn't married, I'd be all over you, as would any person with half a brain in their head." He still didn't look up, jotting down some notes as he spoke. "I'm pretty sure Cabot qualifies."

Olivia resisted the urge to hug him. She got a goofy smile on her face and sank down into her desk chair. Six o'clock couldn't come fast enough.

--

Alex was actually a lot less nervous than she thought she'd be. While at first Olivia's presence in her personal life had been infuriating, then just irritating, now it was... comfortable. Even comforting, in a way. She had thought it would be so much harder to share herself with someone after Sophie...

She quickly got off of that train of thought. She would have to let Olivia know eventually, but tonight was not the night. Tonight she just wanted to *feel* again.

Taking a slow breath, she stood up straight and pushed open the doors to the precinct, stepping through them looking as cool and confident as ever. If she was going to do this, she was going to do it right. She wanted Olivia to know that she didn't make the decision lightly, that there was no fucking around and then changing her mind, that they both had something invested deep in this relationship from this point forward. And she thought that a good first step would be to go out of her way not to hide the fact that she was taking Olivia out tonight. She knew Olivia would be willing to be discrete for her benefit, her political ideals, but that's not what she wanted.

"Hey, beautiful," she said as she approached Liv's desk. "Are you ready to go? I made a reservation for Italian, I hope you're hungry for more than... dessert."

Olivia's jaw dropped slightly and she felt the blush crawling up her neck and spreading across her face. But also an undeniable sense of pride that Alex was making their date public knowledge. "I'm starving," she admitted once she was sure she had her voice under control.

Alex reveled in the blush on Olivia's cheeks, and when Olivia got to her feet, she picked up the detective's coat from the back of her chair and held it while Liv slipped her arms in. "I noticed you had some trouble with it the last time we went out together," she whispered into a blushing ear.

"For fuck's sake, you noticed that?" Olivia groaned softly, zipping her coat and grabbing her purse with a little scowl.

"It was half of the reason I didn't change my mind and go home instead," Alex admitted.

"What was the other half?" Liv asked, a little breathless at the admission.

Alex put an arm around Liv's back and started to lead her out of the precinct. "You smiled at me."

--

The restaurant was nice. Olivia felt underdressed in jeans. At least she was wearing a nice blouse. Alex didn't seem to mind, though... her date kept a hand on her back protectively (or possessively? she couldn't quite tell, but she loved it either way) as they were greeted and shown to a table.

"So," Alex asked as she began to peruse the menu. "What do you like?"

Olivia glanced through it as well, offering a shrug in response. "I'm easy."

Alex looked over her menu, lifting one eyebrow as she flicked a retort across the table, "no, you're not."

Olivia caught the look and laughed, folding her menu and setting it on the edge of the table. "Maybe not for you, but the menu disagrees. I like chicken."

Alex's eyes swirled with something Olivia couldn't quite name, and the blonde also folded her menu and set it down, on top of Olivia's, before she stood and changed seats, moving from across the table to the chair beside the detective.

Before Liv had time to ask just what her date thought she was doing, Alex's hand was between her legs, pressing the seam of her jeans into her crotch.

Liv jumped, sitting up stiffly in her chair, looking around to make sure no one was watching them. Not that they could see under the table, even if they were, but a cursory glance of the surrounding patrons indicated no eyes locked their way. "Alex, this is hardly a better place to do that than your office," she said quietly, fighting the urge to drop her head back and moan.

"I'm just evening the score with the menu," Alex said nonchalantly, keeping her hand firmly where it was. "When you try to tell the waiter what you'd like to eat... I plan to make it quite difficult."

"All because the menu thinks I'm easy?" Olivia asked, trying to close her legs and force Alex's hand away. Not that she didn't want it there...

Alex hooked a leg around Olivia's, pulling the detective's left knee towards her, effectively spreading those delicious thighs again, and her hand returned to its warm, moist treasure.

Alex won... just as the waiter walked over with a friendly smile. "How are you ladies this evening?" he asked, taking out his pencil and tablet to write their orders.

"Lovely, thank you," Alex said with a priceless grin. "I'll have the vegetable lasagna with a raspberry italian soda, please."

"Wonderful. And for you Madame?" He turned to Olivia, pen poised.

"I'll have the--hahh!" she gasped, laying her hands flat on the table, trying unsuccessfully to close her legs again. Alex was squeezing hard, putting pressure on her clit that threatened to make her moan right there in the restaurant. "The chicken--Jesus!" she hissed, curling her fingers into tight fists and looking anywhere but at the waiter. "Parmigiana, and a coke!"

The waiter looked slightly alarmed, but he made no comment, simply wrote down her order, gave them both a smile, told them his name, and went off to the kitchen.

As soon as he was gone, Alex took her hand away and sipped her water.

Once Olivia relaxed enough to think straight, she turned a cool stare toward Alex. "Two can play at that game, and you're wearing a skirt."

"Olivia, now that you're the focus of my romantic life, you're welcome to put your hand up my skirt any time, any place, as long and as hard as you want."

Olivia knocked over her water glass trying to reach for it without taking her eyes off of Alex. Her throat was suddenly dry and scratchy, and in the absence of having her own water to drink, as it was currently running over the edge of the table and forming a nice waterfall down to the floor, she took Alex's glass and drank.

Lifting an eyebrow at the theft of her drink, Alex signaled the waiter and politely requested another. He nodded and hurried over with a towel to clean up the spilled water, then brought Alex a fresh glass, along with their food and sodas.

Once the situation was calmed down, Olivia took Alex's hand and brought it to her lips, placing soft kisses across her knuckles. "Thank you for letting me be the focus of your romantic life," she said quietly, releasing the blonde's hand. "And I'll remember that invitation every time I see you in a skirt for the rest of my life."

"Good," Alex said with a nod, a genuine smile ghosting over her lips.

The rest of dinner went smoothly, without hands under the table and water glasses being knocked over. They left the restaurant after using the restroom, and Alex slid her arm around Olivia once more as they walked down the street toward the movie theater. When she was with the detective, she could almost forget everything else. It felt nice... but it also scared her. Was she betraying Sophie by having a good time with Olivia? She would like to think she wasn't, and her heart knew that Sophie would want her to move on, to be happy, but her head had always been the stronger part of her, and it had its doubts. Olivia chose the exact right moment to snuggle against her, though, and the detective's big brown eyes staring up into hers forced even her head to admit that Olivia made it okay to not be alone. She unconsciously pulled the detective closer as they reached the theater.

Olivia, for her part, was feeling like a princess. Alex was being so sweet and affectionate, holding her close and smiling at her... she really felt like this could go somewhere. And that was a good feeling. It had been a long time since she had gone out with anyone that had the potential to become long term. But Alex was everything she had ever wanted, and the arm encircling her back made her think that maybe the ADA thought she wasn't so bad either. "What should we see?" she asked, glancing at the digital display with movies and times scrolling across it.

"We can see whatever you want, it doesn't matter to me," Alex said quietly, prompting Olivia to look at her.

"Are you okay?" the detective asked, her brows furrowing in concern.

Alex suddenly pulled Olivia into a tight embrace, burying her face in the messy brunette locks. "I don't think I'll ever be okay, Liv... but I'm the most okay I've been in years," she whispered into Olivia's hair.

Olivia was surprised, and at a loss for a moment, then she put her arms around Alex and squeezed her comfortingly. "I don't know what to say to that," she confessed, stroking Alex's hair, "other than I want to spend every minute making you as close to okay as I can... As close to okay as you'll let me."

Embarrassed by her show of weakness out in the middle of the street, Alex kept her face buried in Olivia's hair for a minute longer, then took a deep breath and pulled back, overcompensating for her embarrassment by planting a long, wet kiss on Olivia's lips.

Olivia certainly didn't mind the kiss, and she returned it with a grin, sliding one hand down to squeeze Alex's ass through her skirt.

"We still haven't decided what we're seeing," Alex breathed once they finally pulled apart.

"I don't care," Olivia laughed. "Let's see a western."

"You just want to see girls on horseback," Alex drolled, grateful that Olivia had allowed the change of subject so easily.

"Are you trying to imply that I won't be seeing that later tonight in your bedroom, so I should get my fill now?" Liv asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I am absolutely not implying that in any way," Alex assured her quickly. "I would also like to take this opportunity to point out that there are no westerns showing at this theater. I thought you were reading the titles."

"I was, until someone kissed me senseless," Olivia defended herself, dragging her eyes back to the board.

Alex swatted her lightly on the butt and moved into the line.

The detective scowled playfully and joined her in line, finally deciding on a movie. "Let's just see Beowulf. That's always a good story, right?"

"You just want to see girls in chainmail bikinis," Alex teased, aware that she was probably about to get smacked.

"Alex! Alvin and the Chipmunks then, for God's sake!"

The ADA quickly moved forward in line, pulling out a credit card. "Two for Beowulf," she said, grinning over her shoulder at her date.

--

Olivia carried the popcorn and Alex carried the soda, and they found seats toward the back of the theater. The back row was full, much to Alex's dismay. She liked to sit in the back... less prying eyes. Not just because she wanted to devour Olivia, but in general she didn't like sitting anywhere she couldn't automatically know what was behind her. Oh well... She sat down and pushed the armrest up between her and Olivia's chairs, then set the soda in the cupholder to her left. There was no one in front of them so she put her feet up, crossed at the ankle.

Olivia slid into the chair beside Alex, watching her raise the armrest and put her feet on the chair in front of her. "Getting cozy?" she asked, an eyebrow lifting as she set the popcorn on the floor and turned sideways to look at her date. "Can you move your skirt up a little so I can see more skin?"

Alex's throat went dry and she had to purr her response. "How high do you want it?" Her fingers tucked under the hem of her skirt, inching it up slowly toward her waist.

The lights dimmed and the previews started, so Olivia had to lean close if she wanted Alex to hear her. She whispered in the ADA's ear, "how high will you lift it?"

The attorney's breath hitched, her eyes closing, blocking out the fact that they were in a crowded movie theater. At least the few seats on either side of them were unoccupied. "Considering that we're in a public place?" Alex began, her voice carefully controlled. "As high as you ask me to."

Olivia wasn't having any easier of a time breathing normally, and she pressed her lips once against Alex's earlobe, continuing to whisper in her ear. "And what if I asked you to lift it high enough for me to see your underwear?"

Alex bit her tongue lightly to stifle a groan. "I'd pull it up to my waist," she exhaled shakily.

Liv nibbled Alex's ear, acutely aware of the ache between her own thighs, pulsing almost painfully, begging to be satisfied. Neither woman was aware that the movie had started, however. "Show me," the detective hissed softly.

Alex's fingers clenched tightly around the hem of her skirt, her eyelids fluttering as she slid the fabric up along her thighs, slowly but not hesitantly revealing her white lace panties to Olivia's gaze. "Is this high enough, Detective?" she rumbled, her chest heaving with labored breaths.

"No," Olivia answered, running the tip of her tongue over her lips to wet them, that intense gaze focused between her date's legs. Those panties were delicious. And damp, she imagined, but it was too dark in the theater to tell. "Higher, please."

Alex thought she was going to pass out... Olivia was driving her crazy with pleasure, and she wasn't even touching her. She pulled her skirt up to her waist, settling the hem around her hips, inhaling sharply through her nose. "Is this okay?" she asked, knowing it was, but not wanting to skip her turn at dialogue. Her skirt couldn't go any higher.

"What if I want to touch you now?" Olivia growled, only hesitating because they were in a theater.

"I thought you wanted to wait," Alex reminded her, the expression on her face going from winded to mischievous in about one second flat as she quickly pulled her skirt back down.

"And I thought my hand was welcome up your skirt any time, any place, as long and hard as I want," Olivia shot back, debating whether to lean over and kiss Alex.

"Shhh!" a few people behind them complained - apparently Olivia had said said that a little louder than she realized.

Alex didn't care who was shushing them. "It is," she promised Olivia. "I'm just trying to respect your wishes, Detective."

Olivia leaned very close, nibbling Alex's earlobe for a few long minutes before quietly hissing, "bullshit."

Alex moaned softly, turning her head to capture Olivia's lips briefly before she confessed. "You're right. I'm just being a tease."

Liv licked the rim of her ear slowly, putting a hand on Alex's knee and sliding it up just to the hem of her skirt, then all of a sudden pulled away completely and folded her hands in her lap. "You're right. We should wait."

Alex felt the loss of contact, instantly regretting her teasing. "Liv, I need you inside me," she whispered, reaching over to take hold of Olivia's wrist.

Liv gently pulled her wrist away, scolding Alex as she did so. "Keep your hands to yourself and watch the movie, Counselor." Which was the last thing she wanted Alex to do, but... she wasn't going to let Alex get away with teasing her like that. Hell no.

A frustrated rush of air left the ADA as she looked at Olivia. "I'm sorry for being a tease. Please, Liv."

"SHHHHH!"

Finally Alex turned around. "Would you *stop* that? Just because you're not trying to get laid doesn't mean the rest of us can't!" she said irritably.

"It's Beowulf for fuck's sake!" the girl returned, her eyes wide.

Alex took a moment to think up a suitable response, then pointed at the screen. "And the water demon up there is sexy, isn't she?"

The girl's eyes got even wider. "Sick! It's animated!"

"Well it still looks like Angelina Jolie, doesn't it!" Alex hissed, shooting the girl a Cabot Glare before turning back around.

Olivia was biting her knuckle hard to keep from bursting out laughing. Never in her life would she have expected to hear Alexandra Cabot have that conversation with anyone.

Alex, for her part, was frustrated and aroused, and wanted Olivia's hand between her legs. She continued to try to get it, and Olivia continued to deny her for the remainder of the movie. However, the detective had not refrained from teasing her, stroking her thighs, and once even pinching her nipples! She was on edge, and hoped like hell that Olivia intended to come home with her now.

Olivia was quite worked up herself, and she couldn't wait to get Alex into a cab. She walked quickly, Alex close behind her, and hailed a cab. As soon as they were in, and Alex gave the driver her address, Olivia climbed over her lap, straddling her and pushing a hand up her skirt. "I'm through fucking around," she ground out between gritted teeth, rubbing the blonde through her panties.

"Good," Alex growled, bucking her hips into Olivia's hand, grabbing the detective around the waist, her fingernails digging in to that toned olive skin. "Fuck me, Liv. Because as soon as I get you back to my apartment, you're going face down on the bed."

Olivia's entire body shuddered, and she wasted no time shoving the crotch of Alex's panties aside and penetrating her with a fiery moan. Alex was soaked. Her fingers were immediately enveloped by hot, moist flesh, clamping down, and she could feel Alex's muscles twitching. Those fingernails in her sides were going to leave marks, and it was delicious. Fingering Alex Cabot in the back of a cab, when they were going to be at her apartment in five minutes, was desperate, frenzied and just fucking delicious.

Olivia's fingers were so good, stroking her higher and higher, and when the cab pulled to a stop, Alex forced herself not to cum. She could fuck Olivia a lot better if she didn't release first. She grabbed Liv's wrist and pulled it out from under her skirt, sucking the detective's fingers clean, then paid the cabbie and dragged her date into her building and into the elevator.

The short ride up to the penthouse floor was spent with Olivia pressed against the wall, with Alex doing nothing but staring straight into her swirling brown eyes.

The attorney was self-assured and confident when it came to most things, sex being one of them, but her hands still shook as she fitted her key in the front door lock and snapped it open. She wasn't shaking with nerves, she was shaking with the effort it took to keep her hands off of Olivia long enough to open the fucking door.

As soon as the door was locked behind them, Alex threw her purse and keys on the floor, backing Olivia down the hallway and into the bedroom, kissing her hard then sharply turning her around and shoving her face down on the bed, as promised. She yanked the detective's pants and panties down, ripping the pants in the process since she hadn't bothered to unbutton them first, and then she was on top of her date, a hand between Olivia's legs, three fingers buried in her to the hilt.

Olivia barely had time to breathe before Alex was tearing her pants off and pushing inside her, and she gasped, fisting the comforter and arching her back with a long, drawn-out groan. "God, Alex, yes, fuck, ohhhhhh, shit..."

Alex dropped her head and bit the back of Olivia's neck, withdrawing and thrusting her fingers in hard again. "I want to fuck you harder than you've ever been fucked before."

"You're there Alex!" Liv wheezed, sucking in a breath.

"I want you raw and aching for me..."

"Yeah," Olivia agreed, reduced to one-word answers by that point.

"Just... wait there," Alex instructed, climbing off of Liv and pulling her fingers out, rummaging through her nightstand drawer until she found what she wanted. Ten seconds later she was wearing a strap-on dildo. She hurriedly smeared lube over the head and down the shaft, then tossed the open bottle on the floor and returned to her position straddling the backs of Olivia's thighs. "I'm going here," she announced, pressing the tip of the dildo between Olivia's cheeks, testing the resistance for a split second before deciding Olivia could take it, and she thrust in rough and hard, dropping her hand back down to re-enter the detective's pussy with three fingers.

Olivia screamed, throwing her head back and arching her shoulders hard. She pushed up onto one arm, reaching behind her with the other and wrapping it around Alex's back, pulling the attorney harder against her even as the pain seared through her backside. It was indescribably amazing. She had never, ever been penetrated in the ass with more than a single gentle finger, and she already knew she'd be hating it tomorrow, but right now it felt better than anything that had ever been done to her in her life. "OH, my GOD, Alex, FUCK!" she did her best to articulate her pleasure.

"Shit, you're bleeding."

"It's okay, keep going..."

Alex pounded into her on both ends, hissing at the heat Olivia's fingers caused on her wounded back. She glanced down, gritting her teeth as she rocked her hips and her hand at the same time, reveling in Olivia's cries of pleasure.

Olivia gasped, tightening her hold around Alex's back, trying to keep her from withdrawing the dildo. She wanted it, needed it, craved the pain and ecstasy it was forcing into her ass. And those delicate fingers were working magic inside her pussy. It didn't take long before she came, hard, screaming her release, raking her fingernails over Alex's back. She vaguely heard Alex's scream as she tensed hard and released even harder, a shudder tearing through her that left her panting and trembling as she dropped back to the bed, her arms stretched out above her.

Alex had not known it was possible to feel so much physical pain as when Olivia clawed open some of the wounds on her back. She knew it wasn't on purpose, but she couldn't help the scream that forced its way out of her throat at the searing heat. It fucking *hurt*. Worse than the whipping that put the wounds there. And as she collapsed on top of Olivia, she realized with a sarcastic snort that they had both just made each other bleed... even if it was in different ways.

Olivia felt Alex's weight settle on top of her, and it somehow calmed the rapid pounding of her heart. The blonde's fingers slid out of her, but the dildo stayed buried where it was as Alex's arms came to rest on top of hers. When she finally got herself under control enough to speak, her voice was hoarse and raspy. "Did I hurt you?"

Alex laughed, nuzzling Olivia's cheek with her nose and dropping a quick kiss there. "Yes, but I think I returned the favor," she said in a low, husky voice. She was very slow and careful about raising her hips, and she unbuckled the harness, tossing the dildo onto the floor and rubbing Olivia's ass cheeks tenderly. She knew it wouldn't help the soreness inside, but it was the gesture that counted. She slipped off of the bed and into the bathroom, returning several minutes later with a warm, damp washcloth. She sat beside the almost sleeping detective and gently cleaned away the traces of blood from between her cheeks. Olivia's content purr made her heart wrench, and she tossed the cloth off the bed to join the dildo on the floor.

The gentle way Alex was handling her melted Olivia's heart and made her fall in love with the ADA even more. After a few minutes of silence she rolled onto her back to find Alex sitting beside her just staring at her, and that made her smile. "I love you," she murmured, staring back up at her lover.

"I can't say it, Liv, but--"

"I know," Olivia interrupted her, lifting a finger to Alex's lips. "It's okay."

Hearing that made Alex want to say she loved Olivia, but how could she say it when she didn't even know if it was true? She thought it was, but she wasn't going to say those words unless she was damn fucking sure. How could she love anyone other than Sophie?

Olivia watched the play of emotions across Alex's face, first affection, then confusion, then a dark shadow that hollowed her eyes. She didn't want to see those bright blue eyes lose their sparkle... she wanted to see them soften and shine. "Alex, where'd you go?" she asked quietly.

"Into my head," Alex confessed, snapping back to the present and laying down beside Olivia, draping an arm and a leg over the detective's body and resting her head in the crook of Liv's shoulder. "Don't you think you deserve someone who can give you everything?" she asked after a minute.

Olivia kissed the top of Alex's head and gave her a loving squeeze. "Everything is a relative term," she whispered. "Your everything might be different than someone else's, but I know that's exactly what you're giving me, Alex. Your everything. And even if that's just a tiny piece of yourself right now, I'd rather have that than anything else from anyone else."

Alex smiled and allowed herself to relax, to be in the moment, there with Olivia, and nowhere else.

**Chapter Six**

Olivia woke up in the middle of the night with a throbbing ache below her waist. Not only did she have to go pee, but she felt raw and stretched and incredibly sore. "Agh, fuck," she groaned as quietly as she could when she tried to get out of bed. It was painful to walk... Alex had actually fucked her until she could barely walk. Wow.

She shuffled toward the bathroom, grimacing the entire way, and as soon as she was inside she leaned on the counter for support. She caught sight of herself in the mirror and grinned - she looked *good*. She was glowing...

Alex rolled over, her unconscious recognizing the empty space that wasn't there before, and she woke up, glancing around the moonlit room. "Olivia?" she asked sleepily, just as Olivia came out of the bathroom.

"Did I wake you up?" Liv asked, limping back to bed and climbing under the covers.

Alex got under the covers as well, shaking her head as she curled up on her side and closed her eyes again. "Just thought you left," she mumbled, already on her way back to sleep.

"Alex," Olivia said softly, slipping an arm beneath Alex's neck and pulling her close, draping her other arm over the ADA so she could hold her.

"Hm?" Alex burrowed against Olivia when she was pulled into the detective's arms.

"Please don't throw me out in the morning," Liv breathed, inhaling the sweet scent of Alex's shampoo.

This time Alex knew she wouldn't, even in her half-asleep state. "Won't," she promised, her eyelids fluttering as she tried to stay awake long enough to finish the conversation... but she was too comfortable, she felt too safe, and she fell back asleep almost as soon as the word left her lips.

--

Alex woke well before she needed to get up for work. She opened her eyes to realize she was staring straight at Olivia's blouse. "Mmm," she murmured, her lips seeking out a nipple through the fabric and sucking gently.

Olivia slowly woke up to the sensation of Alex suckling on her breast. What a way to wake up. She purred, lifting a hand to the back of Alex's head, stroking her hair and urging her to stay there at the same time. Her eyes slid open, and she couldn't help a chuckle. "You slept in your suit." And then, "hey. That's... I have never been the only one naked the next morning."

Alex nuzzled Liv's chest with her nose before pulling back to grin at her. "You're not naked. You're wearing a blouse."

"And you're wearing far too much. How long do we have? What time is it?"

"It's a little after five, but just because we have time doesn't mean I'm going to make it easy to get me out of my suit."

"You're not going to shower before work?" Olivia asked, smirking at the ADA.

"...bitch," Alex said wryly, sitting up and starting to strip off her clothes. "That absolutely does not count as you getting me out of my suit."

"You're out of it," Olivia observed, "and it's because of something I said. It counts."

"Oh no," Alex argued, shaking her head. "I'm out of it because I do in fact need a shower before work. Regardless of whether you were the one to bring it to the forefront of my mind."

Olivia reached up to hold her head in her hands. "You said 'forefront' before six o'clock in the morning," she groaned.

Alex gave a delighted little laugh, which brought her awareness to the fact that she was really comfortable and happy waking up with Olivia in her bed. Which of course once she realized, was hard to swallow, so she shoved it down to deal with later. For the moment, she just growled and climbed over Olivia, sitting on her thighs and reaching up to unbutton her blouse. "I want to see your breasts."

Liv lowered her hands and raised an eyebrow. "Well just help yourself, I guess."

"I will, thank you," Alex replied, making quick work of the buttons and peeling Olivia's blouse off. The bra came next, and Olivia helpfully arched her back so Alex could easily reach beneath her to unhook the garment. That came off too, and they were both completely naked.

"Well? Are they worth all that effort?" Olivia asked, that quirky half-grin on her lips as she watched Alex appraise her breasts.

Alex dropped her head and wrapped her lips softly around one nipple, sucking it into her mouth like an expensive piece of chocolate that would melt if she touched too hard.

"Oh," Olivia said, her grin fading at the exquisite touch. She couldn't even describe how gentle Alex's lips were on her breast, but she knew she had never felt anything quite like it before. Almost as if Alex were afraid to break her. She surrendered completely to the sensation, closing her eyes with a quiet little moan.

Alex took her time, tasting both of Olivia's breasts, licking her nipples to straining erections before she finally dragged herself away with a languid stretch and got to her feet. "Joining me in the shower, Detective?"

Olivia groaned, rolling over to look at the clock. Five twenty-five. "We spent twenty minutes arguing and taking our clothes off?"

"Are you joining me or not?" Alex asked, standing there naked, looking expectantly at Olivia.

Olivia didn't want to get up. She didn't want Alex to see how difficult it was to walk, or she'd never hear the end of it. But if she didn't take a shower with the ADA, then she wouldn't have time to take one, and she *really* needed to take one. "Fuck," she cursed, unaware that she'd said it aloud.

"Is the prospect of showering with me that unpleasant?" the blonde asked in surprise, though she knew that wasn't what Olivia was cursing about.

"You know it's not," Olivia snapped playfully, then groaned again and threw an arm over her face. "I can barely walk, Alex."

Alex just stared at her, probably for a good full minute, before she cackled evilly, clearly amused. "You can barely walk?" she repeated, just for posterity.

"Yeah, thanks to you and your incredible skills," Liv growled.

"That is SO... amAZingly... HOT," Alex purred, walking around the bed and sliding her arms beneath Olivia, lifting the detective easily.

Liv yelped, not having expected that, and even though Alex seemed to have her securely, she was afraid the blonde was going to drop her. She wasn't exactly used to being carried.

"I don't imagine sitting is going to be any more comfortable than walking, so it looks like you're going to be showering on your knees," Alex whispered into her lover's ear.

"You don't sound very sorry about that," Olivia said, laying her head against Alex's arm.

"Why would I be sorry about that?" Alex asked, grinning wickedly. She carefully set Olivia on her knees in the shower, then slid the door shut and turned on the water.

"Because I'm not going to be able to chase down perps for at least a few days, and that makes your job a hell of a lot harder," Liv pointed out, leaning to the side to avoid the spray of water while Alex adjusted the temperature.

"Okay it's good," Alex said after a few more seconds, and she moved in front of Olivia to take a washcloth from the shower caddy.

Olivia gasped as she glanced up, seeing the dried blood caked to Alex's lower back. She hadn't realized how badly she'd clawed open some of the lashes. "Alex, I'm sorry," she breathed, reaching a hand out to rest on Alex's backside, just underneath the lowest wound. She felt Alex stiffen at her touch, and pulled her hand away.

"It's not your fault, it's mine," Alex dismissed the apology. "And it's fine."

Liv leaned against the shower wall with a sigh. "Alex... why do you do this to yourself?"

"Have I given you any indication that I want to discuss that?" Alex snapped harshly without turning around. She lathered her washcloth with soap and started scrubbing her arms a little harder than was necessary.

Olivia struggled to her feet despite the throbbing ache it caused. "Why do you do it?" she asked again, putting a hand on Alex's to stop her vigorous cleansing.

"In case I wasn't perfectly clear a moment ago, let me spell it out for you, Olivia. I. Do. Not. Wish. To. Discuss. That."

Olivia grabbed the washcloth and tore it out of Alex's hands. "Why?" she asked again, her voice a little higher this time, both in volume and in pitch.

Alex's eyes burned with a thousand emotions as she stared at Olivia. "Get out."

"No."

The ADA blinked in shock. "What?"

"You heard me. I'm not leaving."

"You don't have a choice," Alex said haughtily, covering up the fact that she was wholly unnerved by Olivia's refusal to leave, or to give up on the one subject she did not want to talk about. "Get out."

"I said no!" Olivia yelled, her own eyes wide with a swirling mixture of anger and concern. "I am not going to let you push me away, Alex, not this time! Why do you do it?!"

Alex could feel the bile start to rise in her chest, along with a frenzied panic that she couldn't control. The walls were closing in on her and making it hard to breathe. "Don't do this to me," she begged, her words barely audible over the pounding of the water on both of their bodies and the tiled walls of the shower.

Olivia watched as Alex slid down to sit in the corner of the shower, her knees pulled up to her chest, her arms folded over her stomach, clutching tightly. She was afraid the ADA was going to throw up. The transformation was so sudden, she hadn't expected it... Alex looked like a lost little girl. She had to know what happened, because it was eating away at the woman she loved. She knelt down in front of her lover, resting her hands on Alex's knees. "Tell me, Alex. Please, tell me."

Alex felt trapped. She wanted to tell Olivia, but there were so many reasons she was afraid to. She didn't want to admit it to herself, but one of the things she was afraid of was that Olivia would agree that she was to blame for Sophie's death. When she was the only one who blamed herself, there was a possibility that she could be wrong, that maybe it wasn't her fault after all... but if Olivia agreed, she didn't know if she could take it.

"Alex, I'm not going anywhere," Olivia whispered, giving her a reassuring squeeze with both hands. "I love you... you're stuck with me. This secret you have is eating you alive... please, let me in. Why do you hurt yourself?"

"Because I deserve it." The answer finally came, the ADA's voice flat and even, with no affect or emotion.

"Why do you think you deserve it?" Olivia asked gently.

Alex shuddered, the old memories flooding her all at once. Coming home... finding Sophie's body... throwing up until she choked... their apartment suddenly a crime scene. "The woman I loved more than life itself was tortured and killed because of me," she forced herself to confess her deepest, darkest fear to Olivia. Her deepest, darkest fear that had been her reality for the past two years.

Olivia kept her face neutral even though the statement made her heart ache for Alex. She squeezed her lover's knees again and waited for her to continue, but it was quickly apparent that Alex either didn't want to continue or didn't know how. Slipping into detective mode, Liv went over the possible questions she could ask - how was it your fault, what happened, who did it, etc. etc. but none of them were right for this intimate moment. "What was her name?" she asked softly instead.

"What?" Alex asked, lifting her eyes to Olivia's, surprised by the question.

"What was her name?" Liv repeated just as softly.

Alex stared at her for a few long moments, while the fact that Olivia was amazing renewed itself in her head, and her heart. "Sophie," she whispered.

"That's a beautiful name," Liv said with a gentle smile. "What was she like?"

A ghost of a smile crossed Alex's face as she leaned her head back against the tiled wall of the shower. "She was amazing." The smile returned as she pulled pleasant memories from the back of her mind. "Independent, like me... but much less selfish than I am. She was always helping someone that needed it. I'd be on the phone bitching about a court time and she'd be on her computer donating money to charity... but she still loved me. Go figure. I don't know what she saw in me, but there was something, and I fell so hard for her gentle beauty, I didn't know what hit me, Liv." This was okay to talk about. She hadn't had many opportunities to tell anyone about who Sophie was, to talk about the good times they'd shared. Olivia brought that out so easily.

"How long were you together?" The detective reached out to smooth Alex's hair back away from her face and tuck it behind her ear.

"Five years," Alex answered, staring at her hands and then back up at Olivia. "And she didn't let a single day go by without making sure I knew how she felt about me. Sometimes she'd send flowers to me at work, or cook a special dinner for no reason other than to make me smile... she wrote poetry for me and about me, she took care of me when a case was hard on me... she was my salvation, Liv. I can only hope I was hers as well."

"I'm sure you were," Olivia said quietly. "You're mine."

Alex's eyes widened, then filled with tears. Olivia could not possibly have said anything more wonderful at that moment. "You're becoming mine, too, Olivia."

"Thank you for telling me, Alex..."

"Thank you for not letting me push you away."

"Never," Liv said with a small smile. "Like I said, you're stuck with me."

And Alex was glad she was.


End file.
